Ross Township | region

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  Mscanman! (guest)

  Ross Township is vivacious, effervescent little suburb roughly fifteen minutes north of the terrifying, convoluted, corrupt city of Pittsburgh. Each and every year, thousands of laserbirds beam there for their ritual mating season, which involves bright flashes and strange, echoing organic cries of passion, fury, and bird-brained romance. The Ross Township community is noteworthy for their annual sacrifice, known as "The Purging." Each and each every summer, towards the end of August, all of the residents of Ross are given a ballot, which is put into a massive, archaic machine that predates mankind by roughly 400,000,000 years, which in turn chooses one and only one of the ballots. This lucky individual is then strapped into another massive, ancient machine that slowly burns away all of their blood, bone, and skin over the course of three days until a charred, carbonized pile of scorched viscera remains. Visitors coming into Ross Township are warned to wear radiation-hardened protective linens as the region has been known to be struck with an abnormal amount of ultra-high-energy cosmic rays (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oh_my_god_particle), which can lead to severe depression/schizophrenia/straight-up EXPLOSIONS if and when organic matter is impacted by one such particle. Otherwise, enjoy your stay in the lovely little township of Ross! But, so help me, stay the hell out of West View if you cherish your life, liberty, and pursuit of coital happiness!

  15 years ago | reply | hide comment